I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
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She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
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All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Randomize