This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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