Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"