I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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