I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Randomize
