reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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