I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
