Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
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