no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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