Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
