did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
