im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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