Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Randomize
