Little spoons don't ask big questions
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
