Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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