I am in a vortex of obligation.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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