8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
