like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
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