all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
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