Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
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