I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize
