Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
