I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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