youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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