He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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