theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I didn't notice because vodka
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
