I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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