Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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