one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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