You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
