Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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