She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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