I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
my being single is dangerous.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Randomize
