her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
