you didnt know i had herpes?
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
