its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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