i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I believe in your delicious
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
