I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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