I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Randomize
