she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
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