We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
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