just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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