I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Randomize
