My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
