I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
