I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
