Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
