I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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