It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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