I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
