I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
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