Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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