I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize