As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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