ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
