so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
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How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
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Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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