Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
Randomize
