I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
