First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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