When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
even my farts smell like vagina
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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