Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
